You can't motorboat a personality
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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