If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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