I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
