Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
