his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Randomize
