Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
