You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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