Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
