There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
He's a Shit stain on my heart
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
