fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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