omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Randomize
