I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
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