My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
You pole danced in your parka.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
A bitchslap is in order.
Randomize
