Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
