Just look for the house with the beer knights.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
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