Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
