I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Randomize
