we have officially lost it.
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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