So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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