Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
This can only be settled by a dance off.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
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