i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
