She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
