I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
