I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
I currently don't understand fingers.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
