Already got asked if we're dating
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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