I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
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