somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
She told me I should be a condom model.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
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