I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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