I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Randomize
