Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
