I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
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