woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
