Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize