Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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