another moral hangover. fuck.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
