just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
