Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
