Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
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