Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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