It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
You took a bar mat shot.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I think pants incapable of making pants work
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
