Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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