Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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