you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Randomize
