I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
