I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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