She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
