They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
