Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
