Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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