I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
