wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
