Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize
