She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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