Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
