Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
